Brian Yalung’s Compositions

All of us believe in guardian angels who always watch our back. They are sometimes considered figments of our imagination but unknown to us; they are actually the people who care for us so much that we tend to disregard their presence and importance. Angels come in the form of many thanks, and most people would overlook the fact that these are actually in the form of people that we are important to.

Most of us wish to have an angel by our side all the time. At times of being down, of need and at times of loneliness, we consider them as fictional characters, all based on stories and movies that we see everyday. They can come in the form of suitors, parents, peers, close friends or even enemies. It all depends on how we define and foresee angels in our days.

But mind you, even the dearest angels have feelings and may eventually go away. Angels would usually not want anything in return. They just simply do things that make them and the person they care for to be happy and worry free. True enough, in our modern day lives; we do not believe that such people exist. Our belief is that whatever good a person would do, something must be needed in return. It is just simply non-existent in our lives. Or are they?

Sometimes we just tend to believe in what we want to and not believe that there are people, whom even if we hurt in some ways that are not aware to us or them, would go at anything to ensure the safety and happiness of the person that they care for so much. Why is this? Is it something that has been handed or a ghost that most people have created in their minds?

Nevertheless, it should also be remembered that guardian angels can always flap their wings and move on for the feeling of being unwanted. Angels are around us, there is no doubt. We just tend to believe that they come down from the heavens and play in our minds. It is just too bad that some of us are not wise enough to appreciate the presence of angels over our shoulders. Perhaps this is the reason why most people who show us something different tend to be recluse and just go on their way. The chance to believe that not all things need to have something in return is of our own doings. Such a shame people are the main reason why realization of such fictional characters is really just beside us all the time. Too bad we are the ones who force them to fly away.

From the start, it was something uncertain, unclear and a risk I had taken. There is no doubt that I already knew what would happen and knowing the risks, it was bound to near the end of something which only I wanted to work. The ordeal is not something that carried promises. There was no clear path as to where it would go as she is committed to someone else, and I having a complicated predicament from my failed marriage was too much too consider.

While I already laid down my cards and told her bout my true inner feelings, no reciprocation was expected. No demands, no promises and no expectations, it all had to come to a somewhat abrupt end. Thinking all the while that a person would appreciate someone who would keep his mind on that person only and not entertain other possible candidates or relationships that are coming here and there went the opposite direction, a shared view which only aggravated my chances, but then again, was not really something I would feel sorry for. I had already conditioned my mind to such an occurrence, and sad to say, I was correct in assuming that it will lead to nowhere. I am not the bad guy in this scenario. I never wanted to break up anything nor had any intentions. I was simply waiting for my time. But as things stand now, that time may never materialize and all I am left is with my career and close family loved ones such as my daughter to be happy with.

People have been advising me left and right. Don’t expect is what they tell me, something that I have become accustomed to. Do not ruin something that was bound by God. I always believed this even if I had become a victim in such a belief myself, losing someone which would ordinarily be a big blow to anyone for the weak at heart. God has plans for all of us, something that no one will ever know until the day comes.

Maybe I have become ignorant to love and relationships at this stage as I always feel that life is becoming shorter to prove a person’s success at my age. At 36, I feel I have been through a lot, and the only enjoyment I get right now is through family gatherings, work, and playing ball. As far as building on my relationship problems is concerned, it’s just a part of human life. It is not important if the right person is not by your side.

As for the title, this is something that will symbolize the sign-off. She had wanted this ever since the Christmas season started and I promised to buy her one. It was nice looking around and seeing which would make her smile. But after the series of conversations, it seems that after this, I am no longer expecting to hear from her as she made it clear that it is not a relationship we are having but only friends. Some people just do not understand how such remarks could hurt anyone, but being good at hiding things, I just simply took everything in stride.

I plan to give the Christmas Lantern this week, perhaps the last thing I would ever give her. I know that somewhere at the back of my mind that our last meeting may actually be the last. After delivering the said lantern, it is safe to say that this is a closed chapter in my life. Funny. Being the author of my life, I think I simply reached the page where I will start seeing the glossary and the appendices already. Perhaps another volume will be started. But in whichever case, I knew I did not do anything wrong. It hurts to live by principles and acceptance of defeat. But then again, life must go on and other areas of lives may need to be attended to, such as family and career.

Merry Christmas and farewell are all that is left. An early Christmas gift and parting present that will hopefully settle things down for her own piece of mind.

The Philippines is truly rich and talented with regards to Filipinos who have the unique talent and skills that most countries would die to have. It is very common to this day that graduates and successful career enhanced individuals would go for work abroad rather than staying here to get their feet of the ground. After some time, it is quite funny how local companies and people would look for them and finally realize what a Filipino can truly do.

This is really more focused on local newspapers and magazines who still follow the old recruitment ways of filling up their personnel requirements. Writing for example will not be entertained if they do not have degrees in Journalism or Education. These requirements are truly something that most companies use as their basis for selecting people rather than the actual work output that most people would have. It did not even occur to them that talented writers and composers may have opted to choose another course in college or MBA but really have to natural capabilities of becoming good writers today. Writing may be a past time for them, and being good with a bunch of words and writing unique content as based on opinions and supported by minimal research, most writers originate and grow from such tactics. Truth of the matter is, a lot of Filipinos can be traced working online abroad, doing article writing work, blogs, and unique compositions, each earning in foreign currency rather than to the peso value which is surely low and unacceptable.

Just a few months ago, people were asking me why I chose to write for the foreign countries like the United States and the United Kingdom. My straight answer was that these companies appreciate and provide better opportunities rather than the local newspapers that include Inquirer and Manila Bulletin. Locally, they still follow the old schematics of hiring personnel so is it surprising why most writers would rather bring their gear and serve other countries as well?

It is only typical and natural for home based organizations to overlook people. They are still stuck in the ancient realms of tradition to which has contributed into holding back evolution of the country in all aspects of development. People are getting wiser nowadays and following the lead of old fuddy duddies is something that will also hinder career growth as well. Why write for companies that opt to recruit well-known personalities for the sake of marketing their publications over unique and quality writers that offer a lot of things in their minds? It is purely becoming a marketing effort to promote the name of publications rather than what they really contain. To cut a long story short, the important thing of gaining impact towards the consumers as far as seeing and reading what can easily be understood rather than sticking to traditional ways of management and writing.

My parting message?

Just don’t be surprised why one day you will run out of good writers who would want to work and contribute to you…they may have grown out of their shell already and may be building on personal branding and career development, something that takes ages for local bred talent to realize that opportunity knocks and the doors and minds need to be opened.

For people like me who have participated and joined teams, it is only natural to accept that better people in terms of skills and qualifications will be preferred over them. Being a sports buff in the aspect of competitive level, maturing to the stage of accepting that it will reach a point that giving way for the benefit of team play should always be the foremost important thing rather than selfish achievement and glory, something that most people feel should be the case.

This has rubbed off in all aspects of my life. Work, family, and even love and relationships, preference to be the only one capable of handling a job or task has become secondary in nature since a few years back. Some would say it the loss of interest and fire, setbacks to which frustrations would eat up the best in a person’s life. But honestly, it is more of maturing and looking at it more abruptly, being realistic and mature about such endeavors that all people go through everyday. Selfishness is what should be tagged to people who simply want to stay stubborn and refuse to accept reality that all skills and personal qualifications will definitely reach a point where they can be facing new blood with better qualifications with benefits as well.

As far as love and relationships, sorry as it may seem at times, its time to face the fact of age as well. We all do not get any younger and sometimes, looking at life as a game that may well be on the crossroads of ending should serve as an alarm into considering better things in life than forcing themselves on people who simply have no place for them. Self pity as it may seem to all, perhaps it is true, but personally, not the entire personality of individuals. A person suffering setbacks in love and relationship can always use that energy and transform it into productive energy as well, in the form of focusing on career and unfulfilled personal goals. Falling for people who are attached, well, that is becoming my destiny and instead of moping around, the best thing to do is concentrate on something else rather than sitting on the corner and feeling sorry for me. Why force the issue and waste time, when there are far better things to achieve for the little time that life allows us to have?

True, people may not always appreciate what sincere people truly have to offer. However, I always believed that anyone’s importance would be felt once they are gone. This holds true, especially for people who have departed due to old age, where their presence and attention will sorely be missed. To which I sometimes wonder, considering all the accomplishments and help in my own sincere way, perhaps some people would appreciate it in the future. But regardless if they do or not, it won’t really matter since I do not really crave for personal glory and acknowledgement, but rather just carrying out in my beliefs as a person, not asking nor wanting anything in return. Realizing the importance will come at times we least expect it. It is just too bad it always has to come to that point, the point where even their heart and soul are no longer what they were when that person first approached you.

Just got some good movies on DVD, some of which I wasn’t able to watch in the big screen some months ago, one of which was by my favorite actor, Adam Sandler. His movie, “Click” really hit me so hard and in some ways made me think of what my future would be like. I know it may be a fictional story but still the message was clear and apparent, making me realize what if I had a universal remote myself, would I be successful and would I value profession over family? I only have my daughter outside my real family and well, make me think, how I would handle the situation. So far, I guess I still manage to balance my time for my only prize from my distraught marriage and pouring on what I can give to her and my family members. But what if time would move fast and I would find myself finally alone, would anyone care?

Last week, someone told me something I still ponder to this day. This friend told me that not caring and just accepting what people see in me is a bad habit and may transform me into being isolated and caring less for what people would think. Insensitive and simply taking love for granted, well, it’s a bad occurrence as explained by her and that one day I may regret it. Then that movie, hmmm well it seems to make me think.

It is no secret that I have trained my mind to simply hang out with people who value me more than what I have to offer. People who simply want to get a hold of what I can give them, do for them and help them out with are pure figures that I have opted not to entertain anymore, something that I played dumb with in the past years after my broken marriage. Today, I simply satisfy myself by writing, working on my friend’s company and a couple of coaching stints. Outside that of one person who I really care for, I haven’t really had the drive to go out and party anymore, owing to the fact that I find it senseless being with people who look at life differently. No names need to be mentioned, I just simply took the easy way out by declining invitations to parties and gatherings. I would rather stay at home and think of ways to earn a living outside my normal workload.

It has come to a point on whether I would go back on my word of pursuing my professional career both as a writer and an executive and giving due importance to family. Never mind bout friendship, it is becoming more of a betrayal rather than a pact as of late. I would rather keep contact with a chosen few rather than a whole bunch that have disappeared one after the other. Do I care find out where they are? NOPE! I have chosen to move on and regardless if it is my last gasp of air or not, I don’t really care if they are still around to see me lose it.

For the only person I devote my leisure time outside that of my close family members, it’s nothing personal. I know where I stand and I know I can never find out the real score. But mastering the art of becoming numb has its benefits. Sometimes it’s better left unsaid. Friendship is the best she can offer; I have no objections about it. If that is what makes her happy, I respect it. As for me, I am just content being in the sidelines, a spectator who prefers not to be in the limelight, something I believe is for attention seekers, something I am certainly not.

Last night officially ended my coaching for this year as far as competitive basketball is concerned. Similar to that of what happened to the younger generation some weeks back where we finished 3^rd, my plight with the more older guys also gave out the same result, 3^rd place and bowing to a team that seemed to have all the luck. Despite the loss, I still believe we could have won, but given the pressure and team politics, I was helpless to do my own strategies, with the fear of not being able to make everyone happy.

Anyway, I forwarded my intention not to coach anymore the team next year. Unlike the younger players, these people have the notion that they are better than me, so why bother arguing and rather let them do the coaching. I never insisted on being the coach and the burden that I went through is something that is truly hard to live on by any normal person. Discipline, cooperation and devotion, this is something that this team lacked compared to that of the younger boys who could have gone all the way if not for some underground game fixing by a team that used money to win. Pathetic I know, but maybe he should have jut bought a trophy with the payment he had given, it was cheaper! But for people, money isn’t everything, and buying games and taking out the purpose of it is their cup of tea. Too bad, but it only goes to show who the real losers are.

Going back, I still feel I lack the experience to coach in the technical aspect. Motivation is there, discipline and training and so on. It was an added feather to my long list of experiences and something I will cherish. Although if I would have gotten a championship, it would have been something to cherish. But being a rookie coach, many say it was a quite showing, so in a way it may have been something to look back on.

Next week is the start of a new training for the league of the kids. Actually there is also another one for the elder people, but honestly, I am not that at ease with it, and would rather coach the teenagers than them. Instead, I choose to just help out forming the team and get a coach who can handle them. I know my limits and coaching a team that is full of stars is too much to handle.

For now, I just want to lay back and recharge my wits. The coaching stint truly took its toll on me. Besides, my work needs more attention now. So you might say, I am on vacation as far as battering my mind again is concerned. Besides, the holiday season is just around the corner, its high time I spent time with my little tykes for the meantime, it is my time to look after them.

All it took was a simple text message. “Miss U” was all that was needed and alas, there she was again. I cut short my practice session with the boys, just went through some drills and review of plays for our last game on Sunday. Around 8:45 p.m., I rushed to my car and picked up the angel of my dreams. Well, I must admit, her sight was something more than extravagant, being excited and all to be able to see her after two weeks of isolation due to work and stuff. Took her out to dinner as usual, asking her what she wanted to eat, and we ended up eating at a nearby fast food store near my place before I dropped her off at her house.

The topic of the night was more on finances and relationships. I know I don’t have much of a chance since she is currently committed to a guy for 2 years and well, I didn’t really mind. She was having problems with her finances and I simply advised her of things on what to do, and if there was any way I could help her out. Being technically single, I even offered to take care of some of her monthly needs, but she politely told me why I should do such things. I simply smiled and said, well, I just don’t want her to look worried all the time. She asked me what I wanted in return, I said nothing. I am a person that doesn’t believe in things that need to have something in return, I am over that from my previous failed marriage. Why do I do it? Well, because I want to and it makes me happy to help her out, not withstanding that I really do care for her a lot.

Funny thing, she thought I would expect something or ask for something in return. It never crossed my mind really. I just said, based on how she knew me, 5 years and counting, in any instance when I helped her out, I never asked for anything in return, nor forced her. It has been 4 years now, and I have never forced anyone to love me. I often left an open mind on things, even though most people would say I would be crazy. But love shouldn’t really have any value nor price over it. It should be done wholeheartedly for the purpose of concern for this person. I often believed money cannot buy love, and till this day, I still believe it doesn’t, unless of course people need money that much like my last wife who left me in lieu for another guy because he was earning from doing gigs abroad. But then again, the level of satisfaction that people have may vary, and my estranged wife and her family happened to worship wealth above everything else.

Anyway, as I told her, I have decided already not to test the waters, having tried it out 3 to 4 times to start over. My decision to settle down with someone who I have known for quite some time still persists. If it doesn’t materialize, so be it. I don’t mind at all being alone since I have been keeping myself busy doing multitasking work that eats up my time from morning till evening. For my precious one, there is no pressure whatsoever, do as you please but all I want is to see you happy. I am already satisfied with seeing you and being with you if that is what my choices are. It is true I still pray that someday you will be mine. But if it is not really my destiny, the choice may be the wrong one. To me, the choice of a person is usually the sincere one, right or wrong, it is something that fate had in store for you all along.

In parting, just be happy with who you have and where you are. I know my feelings will never change, pretty sure of it for once in my life. While friendship is all you have to offer, perhaps it is something that I will forever be destined with as far as our relationship is concerned…

I know I told myself I should be content with what I choose to follow, but well, I can’t help but admit that not being able to see this complicated scenario with this special someone has been taking its toll on me. That is the problem with me, once I set my sights into it, I have trouble sticking to my principles, bearing the brunt of this foolish feeling I have when I know it is close to impossible for her to love me as well. But being the hard-head I am, I guess this is how my life goes dating back to my bachelor days. I never wanted a simple life where I could find a simple girl who can simply love me for what I am. Well, then again, maybe there is something in store for me, maybe and maybe not.

They say life is not fair. While I partly agree with it, the other part that does not is more of my emotional side. You simply cannot have it all. So why do I choose the impossible things, not only in the aspect of relationships, but in everything that includes profession, friends, and teaching peers to endure in what I want to do. Perhaps it is because I always try to prove critics wrong and look on how to achieve the impossible. I have proven my theories in more occasions that once, but once I do, I have no place for a wide grin. It is more of a sigh of relief, pressure perhaps, but later on I would ask myself, pressure myself? For what? No one believes in you anyway so what is it for? Prestige? Payback? Does it really matter?

Well, rehabilitating myself at the moment to where I was back then when I put the fences up and kept out most people who would enter and try to be part of my life is something that is on at the moment. I have been there more times than anyone has perhaps gone to and by golly this is something that should be a walk in the park. Well, I am surviving in a way, but memories and flashbacks of the regular times I have been with her is similar to banging a hammer on my head. I know what I have gotten myself into, and unless a miracle ensues, I guess it will go on till I am unable to walk. By the way, for the past three weeks I experienced the difficulty of not being able to walk nor run normally, and this early I can say, it really sucks. Not being able to play ball, walking faster to catch up to time and worse, going on a forced diet from my favorite dishes, what a week!

To close this, someone from the past is lurking around. Hopefully not to bother me again as I have already made up my mind with the person I have admitted my feelings to. Basing it on experience, it is not far fetched that this person will soon show up, and am psyching myself up to be the meanest person so as not to allow my mellow side get the best of me again and lead me to another disastrous part of my life. Besides, I was already replaced by someone not only in her life, but towards her family, so it’s like trying to solve the economic crisis if she would step in again. For what its worth, please, please leave me, Vanessa and my dreams alone!

After being on top of the world, one of my most feared events has happened. I always believed that once a person reaches a certain level, it is scary to look at how far he will fall. So far, I haven’t really climbed up that high and here I am feeling down and awful for the past two weeks. Losses and physical injuries due to old age I guess have been popping out of nowhere and I am safe to say have been contributory markers to pulling down my adrenaline level.

As a coach, I have already experienced how it is to lose. While I have been asking for this for some time, it is at this time that I wished I would see the person who complements everything. But due to a busy schedule and prior commitments, this week’s meeting has been cancelled and well, here I am waiting again for my turn at her. While I will admit it was a bit painful not to see her, I recollect that even before I got myself into this, I am a secondary choice and that I am by no means a priority for her. After thinking things over, it all was good but still heavy to bear.

But I have no regrets. I am used to being down, again and again it is nothing new despite what most dear people would tell me. It is better to experience such feelings rather than waiting for them to rise at moments where you least and don’t want to see them. I still stand by my belief that a person’s happiness is still the best way to show her how sincere and caring I am and that there is no reciprocation necessary. It is something that is very well water under the bridge and the only way I can be happy is when I sleep where nothing else matters.

Basketball is a mind game that needs wits and tactics. For the past three games, I can safely say that I am mentally drained from both analyzing game plays and emotions. While I know that most people will learn from defeat and setbacks, despite how hard I take on them, I know I have to use them to be able gain experience and tuck them under my belt. It may affect my ego and outlook, but a weak person will never be able to get stronger without going through them. It is through this that I was able to stand up and become numb when it comes to relationships and personal agendas, and professional work is something that should not be as hard to implement as well.

Now that I am on an all-time low, there is nothing more to look forward to but up. Surely, dampened spirits and lost causes will lead to regrets, but given the time to be able to regroup my thoughts and continue striving for knowledge may just be in time for the most awaited time of the year when everything around me becomes a joy to watch, and that is the Christmas season. Will I conquer and realize my coaching dreams? Will I ever find out if she really has me somewhere in her heart? Regardless of what fate has in store for me, one thing is for sure, this coming holiday season will be spent joyfully with my family and especially my daughter, Vanessa.

“I chose the path which only a few have taken, and I am glad I did!” by Natazha Vanessa Yalung, May, 2006

Yes that is my daughter who said that to me last father’s day. Honestly, I was surprised by the notation. Somehow she has inherited some of my poetic and grammatical insights, owing to the fact I guess that she sees her dad typing like crazy on the keyboard from the evening till the early morning. Writing stuff after the usual 8-5 work I hold locally may seem very hectic, but not if you love what you are doing, something that takes the load off. After years of hoping and trying to land 2 jobs at a convenient time allocation, I have so far landed them in Biziki, Candyham, and Essaywriters which complement my daily work with Merlion International Sales, Inc. as their Marketing Director. For this I am thankful to the big Guy upstairs, thank you very much!

Going back, it is true, most people would not choose a path that has no promise and one that has a lot of risks. Most would take the safer route, the one that offers no demise of whatsoever and would just lean on their immediate judgment in knowing what to do. In our case, it is common for a child to go with her mother, but in our case, Vanessa made a big risk, a decision that I wholeheartedly accepted, although the other side still claims I had a lot to do with the decision. Well, the best way is to talk to the source and not to what they chose I guess. Keeping mum and quiet, people around who can compare us would now know why.

I have chosen the path as well, not putting much effort in demanding that I have a relationship, although there are opportunities that arise. One reason is a lot of people do not have a wide understanding of the situation, the immediate perception being that this guy is a player. But then again, take a look closely, if this guy was a player, how come her daughter is with her?

Some girls would prefer single guys. Having a daughter or a son changes the entire complexity of it. Perhaps for them, they would rather get someone who is single which is perfectly alright. There should be no hard feelings and for men who have my situation, expectations should not be set at high levels. It is only natural for girls to do so. They deserve the happiness and freedom owed to them by society.

So where does this lead me? Well, I chose not to really pursue having a partner and to just plainly prioritize my daughter. People would not believe me for sure, being known to always have someone special beside me to be able to strive harder; I took a different perspective now. It is not really about companionship now, but about being a parent and carrying out the things that I had experienced when I was their age and that is to enjoy life to the fullest. I have done my time of being happy and while there are girls here and there, the desire to have someone fit in my mix has been limited, and most of them are my friends. To take it to another level is entirely different, and the demands of the usual relationship are no longer something I am inclined to pursue.

Crazy as it may sound, I often say that I can live till the end of my days alone. I feel at times that I have been trained to take on hard times by myself, something that I really went through even when my former was here. But with my daughter, her presence alone comforts me, something that her mom never did and I presume no one will top. Strange how life goes, but it is in the paths that we choose which separates how most of us are in life, conservative or risk takers.

I have no regrets to the path I chose to, same as my daughter who knows her father better today. For me, I know my responsibility and my priorities. As far as partnership is concerned, it is the least of my worries. Lonely as it may some times, but to live a practical life today, one has to move on and suck it up to take on all the obstacles that life has yet to offer….